The majority of people would just relax and enjoy a November day that hits 70 degrees. Not Doc, she took advantage of the warm weather by giving me a bath. Most normal dogs of my status are taken to a groomer. I know this for two reasons; the dogs that I play with at the dog park tell me about the fancy dog spas that they go to and Norman, the puppy next door came over the other day all dolled up after being groomed at a place called Bark Avenue. Nothing fancy like that for me, no sir.

So here we go into the garage for a bath that Doc calls Hillbilly Dog Wash. I guess it’s an ode to her Appalachian roots. Out comes the hose, shampoo, a bucket and an old stinky towel to dry me off . First she hoses me down right where all the neighbors can see me. Out of the corner of my eye I can see that little Miniature Pincher across the street snickering as he stares at me soaked down like a drowned weasel. She even scrubs down my private parts.  It’s so humiliating. Then out comes the bucket of water to rinse me off. After that I shake off the water and she dries me down with that dirty towel she keeps hanging on a rake in the garage. By this point I’m thoroughly agitated and I run around the yard like a mad man. It’s hard to even look at her after that experience.

Later in the day when I am dry enough to be allowed back into the house I ask Doc like I don’t already know the answer, “Why can’t I go to the dog spa like all the other dogs I know?” She bursts out laughing like it’s the funniest thing she has ever heard in her life. I can feel myself turning red as she answers, ” I’m not paying someone $60 dollars to give you a bath.”

You just wait until the next time she is ready to walk out the door for her monthly pedicure at that fancy spa the Grand Salon.” Hey Doc, why don’t you stay home and paint your own toe nails for free? “